White Trash Chinese Food And "The Worm"

So last week my neighbor took me to this Chinese food place a few cities over from where I live. I was about to have a night full of laughs. The first thing I noticed when we pulled up was the amount of cars parked in the parking lot, not to mention the size of the parking lot. It was like the parking lot of a football game, only no one was tailgating. And every space was filled. That alone made me wonder what inside was going to be like. I also noticed there were no small furry mammals scurrying about. Not even a dog barking from the backyard of any of the nearby homes.

We walk in, and the place is crowded. Now I have been told that to judge a restaurants food, you should look to see if anyone from the country the food is from is eating there. Well, I can tell you right now, the only Chinese people there were working. My neighbor and I had to wait for his girlfriend and her friend, so we walked into the bar. Now, where the rest of the restaurant looked like a horrid cross of a Brady Bunch episode and a worn out 1950's tiki lounge, the bar was something completely different. My neighbor went to the bathroom, and I sat down. When I sat down a spiky, black haired bartender dressed in all black, toothpick coming out of his mouth, asked me "wa yoo wan?"

"A bartender that can pronounce "wan't" " I said.

He didn't understand. Probably a good thing. I ordered two beers and looked around at the decor. This section of the restaurant looked like something I would picture in a movie set in downtown Tokyo. Very chic and completely different than the rest of the hellhole they were trying to pass off as a fun family environment. We finished the beers as the girls arrived, and went to sit down at our table.

The waitress strategically placed us right next to the 3 piece band they had hired for the dining room that night. The band came complete with the most stereotypical lounge singer ever. I think the chick wanted to pull her hair out considering the fine venue she had been hired to perform at. At least I think she was hired. After hearing her sing, you would think she would be happy to be performing anywhere. Yes, she was that bad. Almost as bad as the food, which was overpriced and undercooked. Was that chicken? I dunno, and since everything tastes like chicken, that mystery will remain unsolved.

The party sitting right behind me was an assortment of annoying early teenagers, each one getting up and sitting down about 100 times to go run around and see who else from the trailer park happened to be there that night. I'm telling you, if this place had arcade games and a big mouse, it would have been the Chinese Chucky Cheese. Except, as I already told you, no furry mammals anywhere.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, as we are getting up to leave, the lounge singer starts singing "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. This crazy white guy runs onto the tiny dancefloor and starts doing the most retarded dancing I have ever seen. And then, you guessed it, he busted out with "The Worm." If was the perfect ending. I can tell you one thing. It I ever get as excited as the dancing redneck to be at Chinese Chucky Cheese, I'll shoot myself.